Twitter Light and the Polite Way to Die: Shadow Biospheres the First

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0.00 · 0 ratings · Published: Aug 18th, 2016 {{ book.ratingTitle }}
Hey, everyone, imagine if Twilight, like, wasn't so...
...
...
...
Shit...

Your classic love story:
Girl survives suicide attempt
Girl bumps into boy
Boy is actually a dead person, of indeterminate age, who neither remembers nor cares who he was as an LP (Living Person). Saoirse is the first living human who has ever noticed his existence.
Girl, after a few MINOR trust exercises, eventually believes Boy and says she'll help Boy find out more about his persona before Awakened Into Death.
Girl wants to help Boy find out who kills him...

“... you wouldn’t believe how many abandoned mansions there are, even here in Norwich. Bought because they look nice then completely forgotten about, billionaires just flipping collect them, like you might collect Pokemon cards”
“Pokemon fucking cards? Firstly, when was the last time you actually spoke to a young girl, like, 1754? And secondly, how old do you fucking think I am, you filthy pervert??”
“Filthy p… no, I… haven’t we passed this?”
“We might’ve done, until you walked me to your palatial fucking mansion where you keep your fucking sex dungeon. For some reason I now need more proof”
“But… You saw how the police couldn’t see me…”
“No, as far as they were concerned you were just a hobo, so obviously they’ve been so completely hardwired by this fascist state of rich white men that they’re never going to notice you, are they? If they knew I was getting a chumbawumba off the Duke of flipping Essex they might have noticed!”
“Gosh darnit! How exactly can I prove that I’m flipping dead?”
“The onus is always on the man remember, do some zombie shit, or something”
“Hey! I’m not a freaking zombie! That is such an offencive term for people like me! It betrays such a profound misunderstanding of my situation! What would you have me do, anyway? Amble about with darkened skin, hmm?? Moan in unintelligible language??”
OK, Sax, you might be laying it on a bit thick…
“Oh my God! Zombies totally represent the white colonial fear of ‘the other’! Jesus fucking Christ, white people! Why is everything you’ve ever done fucking racist?! OK, forget zombies, I apologise for that. OK, what could you do, what… could… you… do…?

Can you fly?”
“Can I…? Since when can dead people fly?”
“What about time travel? Can you see the future? The past?”
“I did see the past, like, once. For example, I saw you asking me if I could see the past not so long ago”
Instead of getting frustrated by my snarkiness, as I totally would, Saoirse instead lets out a bellowing laugh.
“Hurhurhurhurhurhurhurhahaha! Yeah, your powers are, like, totally amazing! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Honk! OK, OK, phew, hurhurhur, so could you, like, just walk into a bank unseen and use the money to buy me lots of pwetty things?”
“I’d have no idea what pretty things you’d want”
“Well, me and Daze would want some, like, pink glittery weaponry, because we be killing all da men through ironic means motherfuckers! Boom! How you like gettin’ yo fuckin’ head blown off by a rocket in tha shape of motherfuckin’ Hello fucking Kitty! H-yars!”
“Erm… OK… Well I suppose I could… oh no, sorry, I couldn’t actually pick the money up. I can’t interact with things in this biosphere, physically.

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